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| i just wish i could wake up in the morning not thinking about her...
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| i'm not sure why to be honest. i think i just wanted to stop thinking about things. i wish to god that i could stop thinking about things, but i'm not sure i can. i over analyze everything even though i know it's killing me.
i try to distract myself but nothing ever works. i find myself lately really uninterested in everything that i used to be interested in and obsessive about situations that i know are horrible for me. i would say i miss how i used to be, but i don't know if "how i used to be" was ever really real. i think i made it up.
it's not even that my life is all that messed up. i go to arguably the most prestigious school in the world. i have incredible friends who are incredibly dedicated, smart, loyal, and fun. i meet new people all the time. i don't have problems talking to people. i'm attractive, or at least, attractive enough. i'm fairly good at most things, and i don't have money problems or anything like that. the reality is that my life isn't bad at all.
and yet i hate myself on a daily basis. i hate myself for most of the day.
i'm in love with a girl i can't have and made the self-destructive mistake of sleeping with her, convincing myself that somehow this could work. a friend told me that everybody gets their heart broken sooner or later. this is probably karma for the girls i've hurt in the past. i think it's finally over though. i just wish it felt more over.
i met a girl who is probably much better for me and seems to like me. but i'm so damned insecure about all of this stuff right now. i try to be more insensitive about things, but it's just not me. i act like it though.
i know i need to find something that i love independent of other people, but it just doesn't seem to be happening. it used to be architecture. i wish it was again.
i can't believe i'm this pathetic. i sound like i'm in high school. (no offense.)
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| I wanted to thank everybody for the responses. It’s amazing how much good and sympathetic
advice you can get from people you’ve never met and know nothing really about
you except what you put on the page. I’ve
always liked the mystery involved with all this online stuff.
For those of you gripping the edges of your seats, dying to
hear what happens next in my life, (and I’m absolutely positive that is all of
you,) I planned a couple trips to retreat from my life that I no longer
particularly enjoy at the moment (though I’m feeling a lot better now.) One was to ny which you will read about
shortly (if you will at all) and the other is coming Friday and is to Los
Angeles to see family but more to go to this amazing little beach cottage my
parents own near San Diego, which features a pink stucco exterior, 400 sf of
lavish kitchen/living room/bedroom, and both warm sands and clear ocean upon
exiting the front door. There I will
read and drink with reckless abandonment.
Oh, but you wanted to hear about the girl. Well, she called as I was manically packing
Friday around two in the afternoon for ny. I planned on leaving earlier. The call was unexpected, and I answered
without thinking about it too much and continued not to think about it while
packing and talking to her for, I don’t know, ten minutes? Either way, I asked her how senior week is
going, she answered, I told her that I was currently manic packing while she
said she was free that day, (and if I let her go on, I am fairly sure I was
supposed to make plans to see her.) But
I told her I was leaving, and she said her family was going to be in town
Tuesday-Friday and that graduation is Friday, but she’ll be free Monday when I
get back. I told her I’d call her if I
got back my Monday, which I doubted as I was leaving with the idea of going for
an indeterminate amount of time, a concept I truly enjoy when it is possible
because my life is so damn structured as it is.
I am happy with this conversation in general.
Later on the Chinatown bus to ny, I
thought about what it means that she called.
I don’t have much of an idea, but I’ll give you a couple possibilities
ranging between idealistically pathetic and largely pessimistic. 1) that she simply felt bad for me and wanted
to check I didn’t hang myself. (I don’t
think this one is true at all. I simply
didn’t put off that vibe.) 2) that she
still likes hanging out with me and wants to be friends. (I have enough female friends to be
honest. I also am suspicious a little
about this one, as I can’t help but think that if she did want to be friends
with me, she would give me more than a week to get over her.) 3) that she still likes me, has been wanting
to call me for the past week, and actually wants to keep me around till her
life settles a little, she gains the strength to dump her boyfriend, and we can
live happily ever after. (This
possibility starts to lose its strength from first part to last. The part about wanting to keep me around as a
future possibility and those parts before that sound likely.) 4) that she has dumped her boyfriend and is
ready to jump into my arms.
You can decide which one you like. Unfortunately for me, even the remotest
possibility of #4 led me to call her tonight to see if she wanted to get a
drink. I called but did not leave a
message. The call at all though seems
enough to give up whatever leverage I had in this relationship, as she now sees
on her phone that I called. I don’t know
if this is true.
I left. I ran away
for 5 days to ny to live one of my other lives.
(I like keeping a few lives that don’t interact with each other. One of which is in ny as a hipster.) Here we stay with my friend Anna and go to
warehouse loft parties in Brooklyn that overlook the East
River and the Manhattan
skyline. There were 3 bands, a number of
dancing hipsters drinking beer, a collection of contemporary art on the walls
and hanging from the roof, girls with significantly more style than those in
Boston, and indoor smoking (which is now enough of a rarity that I truly enjoy
it.)
I stayed with Anna at her cousin’s where we dog-sat, slept
in, drank, talked, (mostly about our masochistic tendencies,) watched movies,
and smoked cigarettes in bed. Is it
weird to anybody else that I don’t have sex with this girl nor care much
to? She’s the first and only girl in my
life who I’ve felt that with. We can
sleep in the same bed, but it’s totally about intimacy and not about sex at
all. So weird. I’d call her “like a sister” but I wouldn’t
dance with my sisters like I do with Anna.
That would be disgusting.
I feel bad because I didn’t call one of my friends when I
was there though he’s one of my best friends, and he knew I was coming. But between playing with Anna and learning to
burp my 5 week old niece (My sister lives in Brooklyn.)
I just didn’t have that much time. I
also saw another friend I hadn’t seen in years but missed. This one I like because she’s totally
unstable like me and has a psycho parent as well. We sympathize on these points. Totally cute too, I actually made the mistake
once of telling my girlfriend at the time that I thought this girl was
cute. I paid for that in a tirade of
jealousy.
Ms. Daffo, I should have slept with that last girl and ran
straight into the arms of random sex, as you suggested, but for some reason
that isn’t coming quite as naturally as it has to me in the past (before the 4
and 2 year relationships.) Maybe I’m
growing up. I did spend an unnatural
amount of time playing with my niece. I
hope I’m not growing up. I figure I'll call the main girl when I get back from Los Angeles sometime, maybe text her a happy graduation message on Friday as I'm leaving. I have a couple books I was supposed to give her as an excuse to call. I have a feeling though that I'll get caught up in work those weeks, as I start my summer internship when I get back from Los Angeles. I hope I just have to make models for the first few weeks.
As always, I love suggestions.
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| note: this blog is very long and probably a consequence of me not blogging in a very long time. if you have the patience for it and deep down, you have a penchant for lovable depression and conscious self-reflection, you will read through this fairly easily. as well, if you love jd salinger enough to have read beyond catcher in the rye, then you will simply enjoy the prose and syllabic nature of this blog and read through this easily. other than that, take it in a few installments if you will at all.
it's been a very long time since i've blogged. you see...i have somewhat of a tendency to whine a lot, a tendency which i don't particularly like. i can be funny with it, but i haven't felt funny with it in a while. so yeah, i haven't blogged because i didn't (past tense) want to whine. but i'm going crazy, literally, crazy, and this is an attempt to not be crazy for a little while. you know what they say, moment to moment, i just have to make it to the next moment.
i've had a bad month. well, i suppose, a bittersweet month. (bittersweet is a word i dislike so you know. the aesthete in me dislikes the way it looks on the page. the meaning though, i can't think of anything better at the moment.) those of you who neither have been an architecture student nor have the tendency for obsessive-compulsiveness nor a passive-aggressive mentality nor an oversensitivity to a particular emotion, (in this case a mixture of loneliness and perfectionism) will not understand the sheer hatred i have for my life at this particular moment. being completely and utterly aware of all of this makes it worse, though, actually, awareness is probably the lynchpin of the whole deal, a lynchpin i have been systematically trying to remove through a combination of alcohol and smoking, hopefully to be accomplished with the help of some drugs or something (nothing too bad. most likely won't get to that part anyhow.) removing this pin will hopefully initiate a proper
breakdown, and i can move on with this half-assed attempt at life (which is really not half-assed, i know, but neither accolades nor rewards nor successes seems to do anything anyhow, so whatever, those obviously aren't the answer to anything i'm looking for.)
i have an insecure arrogance that causes me to want what i want and for the most part, i get it, though it does take an incredible, unrealistic amount of effort, which, truthfully, takes a toll, particularly with women, and actually, like all stories, a girl is the key to the whole deal. unknowingly, well, for the most part unknowingly, and it was actually probably a certain cockiness that led it, i entered into an impossible situation, which hit me significantly harder than i thought it would. (though this is the case, i give myself a week and i'm fairly sure i'll be over it.) nonetheless, right now, at this particular moment, i am sad about the whole situation.
before i go any further with that, and i will, i feel it's appropriate to tell a short story that occurred between my last two long-term girlfriends and some five years ago. i met a girl who i will call amber for fear of somebody, somehow figuring out that this blog is me. amber and i got along great and amber is beautiful, electrifyingly sexy actually. either way, she is not the best when it comes to relationships of any sorts, and i have a friend trying to have one with her actually, who can attest to that, but back to the story, she liked me, and i liked her, and we kissed some and that sort of thing. one day though, amber says that she needs time or something like that, and because i am an impatient sort (bred from past miserable experiences) i made her cry with some harsh words and by pretty much not talking to her for a while. six months later, we start talking again and by now we've both moved on, but she says, and who knows if this is truth, (i understand little to nothing of the opposite sex,) that she missed me incredibly so and regretted that we hadn't figured things out better. essentially, she implied that had i handled things better, with more patience, with a less compulsive attitude, something very good might have happened out of all of that. who really knows?
getting back to my current issues, i've been playfully hitting on a girl with a boyfriend for the last few months or so. i tend to flirt a lot, and for the most part put very, very little real emotion into it. i just like making girls smile. unfortunately for me, when school ends, i realize that i actually really like this one. that being the case we talk about it, and she fully admits that she really likes me too and hates to think about it because, and this part is an assumption, (might as well be a fact,) she loves her boyfriend, who i'm guessing is a good enough guy. funny enough, i only realized that i actually liked this one when she started complaining about her boyfriend every once in a while, which, unfortunately, and i just had a moment of enlightenment here, gave me hope for getting her? maybe? either way, that glimpse of hope was probably what shattered that barrier i set up when i'm just having fun flirting with a girl, that thing that keeps me from getting particuarly invested in a person.
anyway, the fun dramatic ending(?) to it all is a talk that occurs but a few days ago, while having lunch by the river, with the girl, of course. a few things happen during the conversation. 1) she is now talking more about her boyfriend (who, incidentally was calling for most of the time we were there. 6th sense for guy hitting on his girlfriend? doubt it. he actually just calls all the time. about 10 times more than her, which is probably a bad sign i would think. i imagine even the most self-consumed of us, when in love, would call at least a 1:2 ratio as much as the other person.) when a girl start talking about her boyfriend to you, casually, not complaining, i can't help but feel one is approaching the friend zone. 2) we talk about sex, which isn't a new occurence, but what is new, is that i didn't care for hearing her talk about having sex with another person. this realization, fully convinced me that i need to talk about things about us now, because i really don't like the idea of feeling possessive over somebody i'm not actually in a relationship with. i guess that's more of a couple things than a few things.
we walk for a while. i force her to sit down for a second and sit there trying to figure out what i'm going to say and begin talking into a territory that, truthfully, i don't like to enter. it reeks of certain self-righteousness, namely, that area where i question what the hell she's doing with this guy and fully admit that i want her. the short of it though, is that she is graduating from school right now, very confused about her life, and he's the only stable thing in it right now, and she can't do this with me, which if truthful, is very good reasoning i can accept. if, on the other hand, that whole thing was just a very soft way of rejecting me she is a genious (it is a very good response. reasoned out and everything), but if that is the case, hurts my ego something ugly because i genuinely believed she really liked me. this latter reasoning is buoyed by the fact that she seemed amazingly stoic and unregretting during the whole conversation, and i thus can't believe she hasn't thought this through fairly thoroughly, though definitely not with him. (she never mentions me when she talks on the phone to him, and i'm sitting right there. now that i think about that, that's probably a good thing if i want to have any hope with this and all. or...she doesn't care about me at all, and she's just trying to avoid any kind of jealous fight with him. my tendency is towards the former in this case.)
if anybody out there is perverse enough to have read this far, you can see my o.c.d. tendencies, and why i'm going crazy.
at around this moment, it starts raining on us, sitting by the river on bench. i ask if she'd like to go someplace dryer. she says that the rain doesn't bother her right now. and believe me it really was pouring for a while. it's funny when the weather seems to sympathize with your mood. always poetic.
the other thing she stated is that she has thought about it, and she has broken up with a guy in the past for another guy, but the thing with that is, is that she didn't really like the guy she broke up with. in my case though, she would definitely be breaking up with the current guy for me and for no other real reason she can think of, and that's simply too much pressure for her. it's really not bad reasoning. the way this girl's mind works is actually extremely attractive to me.
later that night, and i completely regret this part, i texted her with the words, "bittersweet, that's the word i was looking for." this was, i'm sure you've made the assumption, in response to when i couldn't find that word earlier. i hate leaving a text message or email that i know i will get no response to, yet i also know, that i will look for.
so what now? one of my friends, much less of a perfectionist than i, says that it's time for a couple things, to 1) backburner this, keep in touch if you will, but no more serious effort, and 2) have some fun with a new girl in the meantime. this friend always has good advice, and this is probably the best course of action. but i am really bad at putting half-assed effort into things. that, and i really don't want this relationship to come even close to a "friendship" in the sense of, "oh, we're best friends, don't worry about him." the logical part of me says that i shouldn't worry about that, that she is, in fact, attracted to me, and that going on, that probably wouldn't go away, as long as i don't do something particularly unattractive to her, like say, write 2000 words or so words of obsessive-compulsive brain dumping (though this honestly is an attempt at making me not think about it anymore.)
this is the course of action i will attempt, though, i have to remember, that to do this one properly i have to: 1) not attack her decision or boyfriend, 2) be charming as all hell so she continues to like me, and 3) really, actually, put her on the backburner, meaning, stop caring so much. i think the key to the whole thing is finding another girl soon. it would easily accomplish #3 and also allow me to more easily accomplish #'s 1 and 2. god damn though, every part of me just wants to fail at #1 at this particular moment. i honestly work very hard at chilling myself out to the point where the great majority of my friends think i'm actually a very chill guy. in actuality, i write a lot to let things out, so i can chill later. and that's the whole point of this blog, i suppose.
i beg you now, if anybody reads this far, to advise me on the situation, as i know nothing of the opposite sex.
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| I'm bored out of my mind. Seriously, really bored. The only things I can even think about writing right now sound whiny in my head, and I'm really tired of being whiny and depressing, so here's a piece by Rodin who singlehandedly brought sculpture back from boredom. It's called "Fugitive Love" if I recall.
Ok, I thought of something mildly interesting to write. I read a review the other day on a book that recently came out by some very controvercial feminist writer, whose name I can't remember at this moment. In this book she makes some interesting comments, one of which said something like, "The reality is that women don't want nice, sweet guys and especially don't want to have sex with them." This statement reminded me of an article I read once on espn.com by the Sports Gal, where she said something like, "Women are confused if they think men like women who like sports. Men like women who look cute wearing an oversized sports jersey while bringing them appetizers and tolerating the sports watching." One more quote, this time by George Constanza, "I know less about women...than probably anybody in the world." I can sympathize with that one.
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